Who Would Have Guessed?
by ayafangirl
Summary: Kenny reflects thoughtfully on he and Eric came to be a couple. KennyxCartman oneshot.


Disclaimer: I don't own South Park like Matt and Trey…those lucky ducks.

Whoo! More! More! So this kinda goes out to omg..kenny. The reason being I really look up to the crazy lil' Kenny fan and her reviews always inspire me. I appreciated the reviews received in Requiem for My Heart but I was thinking…there was so much KennyxEric potential in it! So, for omg..kenny. And 'cause Kenny was like, "I wanna turn with Eric! Pweeeeeaaaase?" I decided to run with it and give them their very own sexcapade. Here we go!

Who Would Have Guessed?

_We ran around, eight years old and oblivious to the dangers around us. Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman and me, Kenny McCormick, were playing tag. And having the time of our lives. Laughing, we darted around up in the woods, about a mile from home. The sun was high in the sky and the freshly fallen snow was powdery. Laughing, I turned. Cartman was right behind me, I was going to be it…_

_I slipped._

_And it's not like it was a short fall. With me, it never is. I fell, sliding along the ice and snow over the edge of a ledge. The snow gave way and suddenly, I wasn't grounded anymore. I was falling backwards, down to a steep drop, unless…I held my hand out for Cartman to grab. If he could pull me back, I could live! I reached out, but my eyes widened in shock. He was making absolutely no attempt to save me. He stood, transfixed, although the sight of my death was highly entertaining. Rage crept through my blood as gravity took its hold on me._

"_Eriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic!"_

I hate you!_ I thought as I fell to my death. _I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

_There was a crack, probably my skull, and everything went scarlet, and then black as my body was smashed an incredible force into the ice and rocks 40 feet below._

Eight years later.

The sun pours in through the curtains. It's so bright...I kind of have to get up even though the morning air in the room is cold and I'd rather stay under the covers where it's toasty. Begrudgingly, I open one deep blue eye. Urhg. Life...

Now comes the hard part: waking up without disrupting Eric.

Oh, I didn't mention that? Yeah, him and me...kinda a thing. All right, I can see the look of incredulity on your face. Ha, if you could see yourself right now....Fine. I'll explain.

Well, I guess it sort of started a about a year back. We were 15, so like, right in the middle of our sophomore year at school. It was a Friday night. I was sitting in my outrageously small living room wrapped up in a threadbare blanket and sulking. My mom and dad had been at it for a few rounds. (I mean violence...punching, not sex.) Finally, they had come to a peace agreement. Mom agreed not to call him out for being a failure as a father and a husband and a useless alcoholic if he cleared out his porn collection. I guess since childhood, they had always been lying around the house, so I always took them for granted. So, needless to say, with the porn gone, I had nothing left to do but kick myself for not saving some in my room.

Currently, Bebe wasn't talking to me, Stan and Wendy had hooked up again, and Red was away. All the hottest girls I usually could get into my bedroom pretty easily were out of reach. Damn. What I really needed was to get off right about now. I mean, what else does a teenage perv-boy do on a Friday night? Sitting there, bored out of my freakin' skull, I decided to call my best friend (if you want to call him that), Eric. I picked up my cell and dialed his number. Yes, I have a cellphone, Stan and Kyle bought it for me two years ago and I manage to pay the bill every month with various odd-jobs around town and a little organizational (and monetary) support from Kyle. There were a few rings and then he answered.

"Kenny...?"

"Yo, Eric. So, you as bored as I am right about now?"

"...yeah..."

Something clicked immediately. Something was wrong. His voice was weak and uncharacteristic. Where was the strong ring and sarcasm? "Hey," I was suddenly a little nervous. "What's wrong, dude?"

"...nothing's wrong, Kenny."

"That's bullcrap. So, am I gonna have to come over there?"

"No. I'd really prefer you didn't—"

"You sound like you're gonna cry. I've seen you cry before so you have nothing to worry about. I'll be over in a minute."

"Kenny—!"

"Love you too!" I clicked it shut. Well, it wasn't what I had in mind, but at least now I had a mission to distract me from my unquenchable desire to slam something. I pulled on my old orange parka and sped towards the brunette's house. I wasn't surprised to see his mom out when I got to his house. She had recently started taking house calls...blow-jobs right at home rather than at her house where her teenage son could hear it. I thought it was stupid...Eric's scars were already there. I let myself in without knocking. "Eeeeric!" I called in a sing-songy voice. "I'm here to visit!" I kicked off my snowy boots and found him in the kitchen.

"Here," he muttered, shoving a mug of hot chocolate in my direction. "I figured...since you were coming over I might as well warm you up...your house is cold all the time..."

"Awww," I grinned and took a huge sip. It was hot, but it felt good. Sweet chocolatey wonderfulness ran down my throat and warmed me from the inside out. I took a seat opposite him at the table so I could stare into his morose brown eyes and spoke. "What happened?"

"It's really not your problem so just—"

"Quit yammering and tell me why you're so upset. You can trust me, now talk."

Those sad, sad chocolate orbs narrowed. "I. Don't. Want. To. You're the one who called me; what's up, Ken?"

I stared back silently, sipping my cocoa. Hm...I'd loosen him up, then find out what was wrong. Besides, it was nice having someone to talk to so I smiled and told him about my own problems. "The usual, I need to get off, nothing to get off on. There are times when your hand just doesn't cut it, ya know?" I doubted he really knew. He had a dirty mouth, but as a high school sophomore, I didn't think Eric had really started to get into sexual stuff yet. I had lost my cherry in around seventh grade...with Bebe...was soon followed by Clyde and then Wendy. Eric was in the 'Kyle, Stan, Butters' territory. He nodded anyway as if he actually knew. "It's just...so annoying when they fight! My parents, I mean. Another stupid bloodstain on the stupid cheap carpet no one's gonna clean up..."

He sighed. "Why do people say they love each other if they fight all the time?"

I looked up, slightly annoyed. "Hey...don't over-simplify, my parents love each other. And they love me..." why did I add that? It sounded desperate.

"I know, I can tell," he responded. Ha, he was perceptive. Good one. See, you're chuckling too! Anyway, what he said next really shocked me. "If you need to get off so bad...why not use me?" See, shock!

"W-what?"

"Use me. You need to clean yourself out and I need to get something off my mind. We both benefit."

I gaped. Mostly just to hide the fact that this wasn't a terrible idea. I liked the sound of it a lot, actually. But then there was that stupid little conscious saying, _you wouldn't actually consider popping your best friend's cherry just 'cause your bored, would you? _Um, yeah, this is me. With a mental shrug, I knocked my conscious into the depths of my brain and decided a little reasoning wouldn't kill me. "You serious? Why?"

"I just explained, didn't I?" he wasn't avoiding my gaze although their was no excitement in his eyes whatsoever. Not removing my gaze from his face, I got up and walked around his table. Taking his hand, I led him upstairs and into his room.

I paused. This felt...strange. Turning once more to my friend, I stupidly checked, "You _reeeaally_ serious?" He shrugged, not very expressively. I locked my arm around his neck. "You are so weird, Eric," I mumbled and locked his lips under mine. They were soft...which was kinda nice. There's nothing worse than a really chapped kiss, in my opinion. He kissed back, reluctant at first, but evidentially not wanting to stop. I knocked him backwards onto the bed, not wasting time climbing onto him.

"Would you close the door?" he demanded, breaking away. Groaning, I got up obediently. I glanced back, he stayed where I had pushed him looking zoned out. I resumed by position over him and raked my fingers through his soft brown hair. "You can talk now, you know. I want to hear what inspired you to have a go with me," I twisted short strands of chestnut locks through two fingers to the point where I was pulling his hair. If it hurt him, he ignored it.

"Stan..."

Ding. Light bulb. So that was it. I was the only living (and dying) soul who knew that Eric had had a crush on the dark-haired boy for a few years, a little after he got over Kyle I thing the feelings arose...ironic, huh?

"Did you know he hooked up with Wendy again?"

"Sure, everyone knows that," I answered, absentmindedly pulling his hair tighter around my fingers. Now, although he didn't wince, he reached up to brush my hands away as I licked his bottom lip. I ignored him and yanked his hair.

"Ken...ow," I finally stopped, amused. I don't know why I found bothering him so funny. "Well, I guess I didn't get the memo."

"Pft. Dude, relax. They break up all the time,"

"I...I told him."

I pulled away to stare at him. "Ery, dude, you told Stan you liked him? His response was—"

"—not pretty."

"Aw...I'm sorry,"

"I wonder if he'll ever talk to me again?"

"It's Marsh. He's a pushover. He'll get over it." I assured. He smiled.

"Thanks, Ken."

Damn it. He was so sincere, so happy, so...Eric. Rolling my eyes, I got up.

"What's wrong."

"I don't know, I just don't feel like it anymore, y'know? Doesn't seem like you were in the mood anyway."

He frowns as though he's done something wrong. "Uh...you...then, can I get anything else for you?"

Freak, right? I snicker a little. "Yeah. More hot chocolate."

Nodding, he gets up. I silently observe him as he moves, wondering. Why am I the only one who sees this side of him? The side that isn't a total asshole? He's reserved, self-conscious..._real_ around me. I guess I'm that special. Putting the strange evening into the back of my mind was easy enough. For me, anyway. It seemed to be a different story for Eric.

At school, he seemed to be around even more often then usual. It was as though all independence had been sapped out of him and he needed to be with me. I didn't mind, it was nice to have a wingman at school. He acted just a little nicer than usual, although Kyle and I noticed an awkward air between him and Stan...not that it mattered, the blue-eyed boy was rarely seen without Wendy these days.

It was no surprise when Eric and I were teamed up for a biology project to do. We had to collect leaves from different trees and classify their genus and species. I suggested we go up the mountain to find some pine trees. After school, we made our way up and split up to find some black pines.

"Hey, Eric!" I called after several minutes, "Here's one!" Sure enough, a big black pine stood on the end of a downhill slope. Careful not to slip, I made my way down and grabbed some boughs. I glanced up to see Eric headed towards me. Smiling, I held up the branch when I felt my footing give way beneath me, the ground was icier than I thought. Once again it was time for me to die.

"AAAH!"

Flashback. Falling backwards, glaring into wide brown eyes, screaming—— !

I felt a hand grab my wrist in a vice grip and in an instant, my body was flying forwards rather than down. I was pulled into Eric's body and felt his arms around me and his head resting on mine.

"Kenny! Are you alright? Kenny..."

"Eric? Th-thanks," I muttered, relieved, heart still hammering in my chest.

"Oh, god, I thought I was gonna lose you,"

"Please, I've died before—"

"That doesn't mean I should take it for granted," he cut me off. "Kenny, you mean so much to me...I don't want to lose you if I can help it..."

"Dude. Sentimental-much?" I couldn't help but snap. He'd been so weird lately I was growing sick of it. This wasn't my friend, it was...I couldn't even conceive the proper word for what it was.

"Sorry it's just...Kenny..."

I pulled back and forced our eyes to meet. "Eric. You're gonna talk to me and you're gonna do it now. Say exactly what it is on your mind and get it over with. I'm your best friend, man, you know you can trust me."

"I know that," he murmured quietly. "But...what if what I have to say isn't what you want to hear...and you get mad or something?"

"Please. My mad isn't anything like your mad. I just roll my eyes. You chop people's parents up and feed 'em to kids."

"Did you really have to bring that up?" he asked. I chuckled in response, which seemed to relax him a little bit. "Alright...I'll tell you, but you have to swear to keep it between us, got it?"

"Yes, sir!"

"Kenny...I think I like you."

My eyes widened and I stared at him with a look of incredulity. "M-me? Jeez, Stan-rebound, huh?" I regretted it the second those words escaped my lips. His brown orbs seemed to darken several shades in pain and his brow furrowed. "No, no, that wasn't what I meant to say. Eric! I'm sorry, I'm just amazed that you would like me of all people."

"Why wouldn't I?" he asked in a voice that was still subdued, as though I might lash out at him again. That was the last thing I wanted to do, in fact.

"I don't know. I thought you didn't like poor people."  
"Kenny, I don't like a lot of people. But you should know it's Jews are at the top of my list, Kenny. _Jews_."

"Well, I am Aryan," I muttered thoughtfully, to which he smiled.

"That's not the only thing I like about you," he admitted. "You were always there for me and...I want you by my side. But! That's up to you, Kenny."

I paused. I mean, he was like, in the third percentile of people I hadn't dated, laid, or at the very least played 7 Minutes in Heaven with. Not that many people wanted to do any of those things with Eric Cartman usually. Of course there was that almost-human side of him that I alone had seen. I considered this all in a few seconds and finally answered.

"Yeah. I don't see a problem with that. We can just give it a try."

"Of course, if worse comes to worse, we'll just go back to being best friends."

"Yeah!" I found myself surprisingly revealed that even should dating not go as my friend hoped that I knew our friendship would survive.

Not that that ever became an issue. Within a week of our decision, I realized I didn't ever want to date another living soul, Eric was enough for me. It was different, he didn't look at me like I was something to get off on, probably because (at the time,) he was still a virgin. He spoke to me kinder. He touched me more like I was something to be cherished. To say I loved every moment I spent with him was an understatement. And when I was apart from him, he was all I thought about.

Which leads me to right here. Slowly, carefully, I step out of the bed. It creaks as my weight is shifted off.

"Kenny, I've been awake for a while. You aren't very observant, are you?"

"Shut up!" I snap. "If you're awake, let me back in, it's cold out here!" But instead he pulls the covers around himself so I can't get back under. I tackle him, fighting to get back into the warmth while he laughs at me for being such a spaz. "You selfish jerk! C'mooon!"

"Oh, fine, fine. But just 'cause you're so cute." he concedes, allowing me back under. I snuggle against his warm body, perfectly content. So that's the story, now if you wouldn't mind letting us have our alone time? Please? I know, not something you'd expect, right? Me and Eric, Eric and me. Who would've guessed? That's a secret between the two of us I just don't feel like telling you at the moment.

Aw, I do so love these two. So huzzah to all you KenCart fans! Please review as it makes me smile and smiling increases productvity when it comes to fanfic writing...I made that up, but review anyway.


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